Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
