I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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