Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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