ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
