Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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