ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
time to smoke my breakfast
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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