haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
