i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
