so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
