Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.