My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.