I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.