Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.