you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
