just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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