I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
