Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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