this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
