I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
