I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
