when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize