I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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