If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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