Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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