the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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