I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
