Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm bleeding and have questions
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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