Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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