new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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