come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
