So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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