Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
