I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
