I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
