I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i dont even know how to be here
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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