How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
