Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
