Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
