just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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