She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
