Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize