She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
