I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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