Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
