it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
