Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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