The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am mentally ready for anal.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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