My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
