Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
