I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My vagina just clenched in fear
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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