omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need a beard to bite.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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