Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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