wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
