You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
