Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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