I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
