Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
