ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
