What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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